Adjectivitis and the Weather

Superlatives are superlatively superfluous.  Or something like that. Adjectives are a bit of a disease that you learn to avoid in business (if you dare) since they add nothing and can alienate those the adjectives are meant to impress. Are you intrigued by products that are the best, or new and improved, or indestructable? I hope not. We should all have become just a little bit wary of these verbal attacks on our credulity.

Something like this happens when it comes to Canadians and the weather. Cold enough for you? It isn't enough to say that it's -30 C, we have to add that it is the coldest this winter, this decade or this century. And it isn't just cold, it's very cold or extremely cold. Never simply cold.

We hate the cold, but seem to revel in enjoying how much we hate it. So we harp upon the temperature as if cold weather in January were remarkable. Or perhaps it's just me that's a bit jaded since I've lived in a colder climate than that in Ottawa. I don't remember which comedian said this, but I like the line: Canadians have to be tough since just the weather is enough to kill you.

But the thing that really gets to me is that we just have to add in the wind chill. Now it's no longer -30, now it's -40. To emphasize the point, many will even forget to mention that it's a wind chill number, not actually the temperature. Wind chill is Canadians' way of adjectivizing numbers; saying -40 is apparently a more sophisticated way of saying it's -30 C with a breeze.

The thing is (and you can do this experiment yourself), if you take a thermometer outside where it's -30 C with a howling wind and hold it out there for a while, the reading will quickly drop from +20 C and then slow as it approaches and finally reaches -30 C. The wind chill may be -60 yet the thermometer will steadfastly refuse to go any lower, and it certainly will not go to -40 where the mercury will, the urban legend says, freeze and then explode in your face. None of this will happen. The reason it won't happen is that the temperature is -30 C, not -60 C, despite the attraction of those beautifully-large negative numbers.

If you're adventurous, you can try the above experiment slightly differently, in line with this fascinating snippet from the Wikipedia entry on wind chill:

The method for calculating wind chill has been controversial because experts disagree on whether it should be based on whole body cooling either while naked or while wearing appropriate clothing...

I would love to observe these experts when they're comparing these competing techniques. Who knew scientists were so tough.

So what does it all mean? It means that it's -30 C with a nasty, heat-sucking wind. That's just what it is. When it's windy that thermometer get to -30 C faster; the wind, like a fan pulling air through a car's radiator, causes a more rapid transfer of heat. Adjectives need not apply. It's just that wind chill temperature is more sexy than watts/centimeter/second, which does accurately tell you how cold it feels.

When Environment Canada went to this latter style of reporting in parts of the country years back, people hated it. I think they hated it even more than metric. No one complained that the reports were wrong - they were in fact extraordinarily correct, surprising everyone who knows to never trust a weather forecast - but a statement like "the wind chill is 2,400" just didn't excite people. There were no opportunities for adjectives. Eventually they gave it up and went back to the temperature style reports which, while mostly meaningless, fit better with Canadians' world view, which includes not trusting the weather report.

The only cure for this disease is called spring. Then we can complain about how wet it is and try out some new adjectives to describe that.