The theme was to satirize the few odd folks out there who seem to think the LHC will destroy the world, and to also take a dig at a few other loons unrelated to the LHC issue. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
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ZP
Foiled Terrorist Attack on Science Installation
Tuesday April 1, 12:01 am ET
By Zeppo ze Zeppelin, for Zathurts Press
Armaggedon averted, for now
Geneva, Switzerland (ZP) -- Disaster averted as crazed group of Christian terrorists attack site of nearly-completed particle accelerator.
Earlier today a group of about half a dozen attackers assaulted and gained access to CERN's LHC (Large Hadron Collider) situated on the border between France and Switzerland. They were heavily armed and swiftly made their way to the interior and took hostages. The hostages, all of whom are now safe, were particle physics students and tradesmen working on the installation which is scheduled to be activated later this year.
After securing themselves and their hostages they communicated by telephone to major media outlets and CERN project headquarters. In an unexpected twist, the terrorists demanded, not that the facility be destroyed or otherwise disabled, but rather they wanted it turned on immediately or they would begin executing hostages one by one, or as they described it, dispatching them to their maker.
Specifics of their objectives remain unclear since they tended to incoherence and self-contradiction during these telephone conversations. According to a CERN spokesperson one thing they seemed upset about was a legal suit recently filed in Hawaii. Even the spokesperson seemed to struggle with the tortuous logic of the terrorists' concerns as he continued to explain. "That suit is already known to us and is an ill-considered attempt to stop the activation of the collider since they claim that it might destroy the Earth. Those fears are absolutely groundless." In response to further questions he went on to talk about the team's enthusiasm about the possible creation of novel particles such as 'strangelets' and miniature black holes.
The terrorists however, believe that the LHC, which when it is finally activated will be the most powerful partcile accelerator ever constructed, will result in the destruction of the planet. If the Hawaiian court, whose jurisdictional authority is dubious, does issue an injunction there is a risk the accelerator's activation would be postponed indefinitely. The terrorists, who are members of an extremist fundamental religious sect, believe activation of the device will bring the day of judgment foretold in the Bible. Apparently they wish to hasten the purported end of creation and, it seems, to prevent the 'unworthy atheistic scientists' from being the instigators of the End when the accelerator is activated in due course. One of the terrorists in an abusive rant also derided Darwin's theory of evolution and, if it were true, which he also asserted was a lie, ending the world would stop that as well.
The situation seemed quite dire until project staff traced the telephones being used by the attackers to the vicinity of the one of the facility's particle detectors. The facility, being 27 km around would have taken too long to search even with the rapid deployment of French special forces. Luckily they eschewed using wireless phones since they feared getting cancer, presumably in the short time remaining to the 'End'. Some quick calculations by a small group of bespectacled scientists led to a conference with the military commander and an unusual tactical gambit. The science team's leader, Dr. Fritz Kugelblitz spoke afterward to reporters.
"When we discovered they were hiding inside the ATLAS detector we had an interesting little idea. There was some risk to the hostages but no more than an assault by the soldiers, and we could do it much faster." Simplifying the matter for us he described how the terrorists minds were clearly highly polarized in comparison to the general population, which they could somehow make use of. "What we did, in short," continued Dr. Kugelblitz, "was to briefly activate the detector's enormous magnets."
While the technical explanation is complicated the result was spectacular, and fatally gruesome. One of the hostages, still seemingly in shock and being escorted to the waiting medical team, told of hearing a loud hum and seeing the eyes of the terrorists glowing brightly. They then all fell to the ground with their liquified brains pouring out of their ears.
According to Dr. Kugelblitz's explanation the terrorists' highly-polarized and low-energy neurons enabled the powerful magnets to spin their brains inside their craniums at relativistic velocities. The hostages were unaffected.
When asked about the glowing eyes, he mused. "Ah! Bremsstrahlung."
How the terrorists gained access to the secure site is still unclear. It is rumored however that a security camera at one of the guarded entry portals, where the guards were subsequently found to be sound asleep, shows a dapper looking gentleman who bears a striking resemblance to media personality Ben Stein. In the video he is seen talking to the guards. Just talking.
In a bizarre coincidence, several PETA activists were apprehended on site the same day by the already-deployed military force. It was determined they were on a sabotage mission to disable the very same installation. As they were being led away in handcuffs, one of them who gave her name as Jaime Poutine, told reporters that their group is trying to put a stop to unrestrained scientific curiosity which, PETA claims, is having a deleterious effect on feline mortality rates.
"Despite today's extraordinary events," the CERN spokesperson said, "the Large Hadron Collider project remains on schedule."
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